First post of 2013, and pride of place goes to the Dead Pool. Here are my predictions of those well-known faces unlikely to see out the year. I’ve taken a scientific research-based approach this time round since none of my picks for 2012 did the honourable thing and all are still alive and well as of today. Fingers crossed that we haven’t seen the last of the cold weather this winter. Please remember that this is all tongue-in-cheek.
1. Hugh Hefner. Lorded in the 90s as some kind of new-lad favourite, it’s difficult not to feel a sense of nausea as the 86-year old Hef married one of his Playmates this week, who happens to be 60 years his junior. Going on the plot of the terrible Madonna film ‘Body of Evidence’, the plot of which involves her marrying older men (though they’d need to be well into 3 figures now for any re-make to be possible) and sexing them to death to claim the life insurance. Maybe this is the plan of Hef’s new bride (the rather standardly named Crystal) as I can’t imagine how keen she is to rub up against something with the texture of a leather briefcase.
2. Michael Winner. Surely a shoo-in? He’s already been on the phone to Dignitas since doctors told him in mid-2012 that he has approximately 18 months to live. Stoic and unapologetic to the end, he’s burgled a career out of making several poor films in the 70s, some truly execrable movies in the 80s and re-inventing himself as an uber-snob food critic in the 90s. Will probably be remembered as some sort of loveable British eccentric, but don’t expect a season of films at the BFI – it’s strictly channel 5 if you’re lucky.
3. Margaret Thatcher. She’s in hospital more often than Price Philip and looks a darn sight worse. Deserves a proper tribute when she does pop off. She’s done far more for women than the Spice Girls ever did and yet she’s likely to be pilloried by a load of dim folk that don’t even remember her from the power days.
4. Clare from Steps. Not sure if her exponential weight gain continues apace, but this chubby-chaser’s dream went from size-Moss to size-Adele pretty quickly and far beyond. She’s projected to weigh more than a Caribbean island by the end of 2013.
5. Ricky Hatton. During his career he displayed the ability to lose (before a fight) and gain (after a fight) huge amounts of weight (a bit like Clare, only with the losing bit too). Now that he’s finally packed up from the ring, it looks like nowt but chips and diabetes for RH.
6. Shane McGowan. How is this man still alive? Does he buy a new defibrillator every Xmas when the fairytale of NY royalties come in? He made the skeletal chap from the Stereo MCs look healthy, and that was over 20 years ago. I’ve not done my research here, so maybe he’s calmed down, moved to the country and is now growing his own organic veg and championing the benefits of pilates, but it seems unlikely. I can’t bear to google him to find out, lest I get a look at the teeth.
7. Woody Allen. Midnight in Paris was one of the most horrendous films I’ve ever watched, and his output diminishes with every flick made. Extrapolating from MiP, he’s likely to be making films that even Winner would disown at some point soon. Maybe this one would be for the best.
8. Clint Eastwood. Shame to think that Gran Turismo wasn’t all that long ago, but in those few short years Clint’s gone from being hard-man Grandfather to utterly mental rambling codger. Of course everyone’s seen his ‘invisible Obama’ speech to the Republicans:
which at least proved that there’s one more insane Republican than Mitt Romney. It would be a shame if Clint ended up being remembered for this.